Nihilate origin

The origin and meaning of my "stripper name" (No, I'm not a Stripper, but I Have dated two. (Not Worth it.)) From Latin, nihilāre "to reduce to nothing". With no beliefs left, zero confidence, and my sense of self left in tatters, what was left of me?

"It just is." Words I couldn't understand. The first time this concept was introduced to me was by one of my former Girlfriends. We had watched the movie Annihilation and I couldn't understand the ending. Or rather, lack thereof. There was no moral. No point. No purpose. Nothing satisfying. It just was. She told me, "Not everything has Meaning." Up until that point in my life, everything DID.

I've never particularly liked the idea of a God, but I was Ok with thinking "The Universe" had some magic juice, grand guidance, positive force, or something. (Yes, I know all that could be argued as God) "Everything happens for a reason." As my Mother likes to say. "Maybe we got stuck behind this slow car so we didn't get in a head-on collision 5 miles up the road." And the idea of that is comforting. That everything has SOME purpose. It helps your patience with existence.

I don't believe in anything anymore. If I can't perceive it in front of me, it probably doesn't exist. As far as I can tell, reality is as real as it's ever going to be, and it's consistent. I think simulation theory is a waste of thought. It's just adding another layer. That's all. Like it or not, tangible reality is the best we've got.

Losing the idea of Love really destroyed me. The only times I've really truly been happy was when I was loving someone romantically. But that was probably just chemistry too. Love is just an idea to sell Hallmark movies. Don't get me wrong, INFATUATION is totally Real. "The honeymoon period" is your brain being overloaded chemically for mating, procreation, and shared survival. And boy howdy are those chemicals strong! *snorts a line of Love*

*Gonna complain and cry about stuff for a minute, but this explains where I'm at* When you would Die to protect someone and you do your best to Love and Care for them for 5 years, and they can turn around and treat you with cruelty, laugh at you, then completely erase your existence and block you without so much as a goodbye, that will change you as a person.

Love isn't real. It's a nice idea. Admittedly, I made my fair share of mistakes. Though, everyone does. I regret every single one of mine. I've apologised for them. I've tried to make up for them. I've gone over every single one at least 1,000 times. You have no idea. The pain from the failures. The lessons seared into my mind. The torment that never leaves. The mental suffering that physical pain can never compare to. It gives me the madness and fire to push through ANYTHING. It helps me pursue my new goal. Becoming the best version of myself. It's HARD. Life is hard Without trying to always do your best. You rarely win. But you do make progress. Every single day.

The first time I Really went out to "Find Myself" was when I first climbed Mt. Olympus. My PTO days off snuck up on me. I had only been doing weighted squats as part of my normal weightlifting. I ran one or two miles the week prior. That was Not NEARLY enough. Or even comparable. Untrained, inexperienced, I threw 50lbs of gear and food in a backpack and started the 50+ mile trek into the wilderness and back. I hiked and hiked, it seemed like forever, I sweated and walked until my legs were on Fire. 🔥 I checked my Gps. I had gone exactly 1 mile. I had 10 more to go just to get to the first camp site That Day. This was going to be a Long Journey. I had a fire inside me that wouldn't let me stop. I didn't care what it took. I was climbing this mountain if it Killed Me. I got so tired the First Day that I would have to rest then take ONE STEP. Rest. Then one more. 5 days. Running on only 1,000 calories a day. I lost 6lbs. I also had to scare off a Bear completely alone in the middle of the Night. My gun was zipped up inside my tent out of reach. I was ready for a Fist Fight. Even a "small" Bear is bigger than me. 176 (my ideal weight) isn't much. Think I'm scared of any GUY now?? Hell No. No matter how Big you are, you don't have Teeth and Claws that can literally crush my bones and Rip me apart. Y'all ain't $hit. I'll edit and post the video of the entire trip some day. I'll do a write up before then. But that was how I found out who I Really was. Unstoppable.

Before that, I was broken down to nothing. I was 6ft below rock bottom. And there I had to bury the old version of myself. The version of me that was too soft. Too kind. Too forgiving. Lazy. Comfortable. Optimistic. I had to face reality. The world is unkind. The world wants Monsters. I'll give them one. I've had to watch as everyone I loved slowly killed everything I cared for despite my pleas. No one cared. For Decades. Now I get to continue to watch because I allow those same people to guilt trip me into being alive. If I have to be alive, the least I can do is Rage against Existence. And return the favor. That's why I'm finally starting a weapons company. "From humble beginnings" Designing and Creating Weapons is what I've always been best at. Despite my attempts at a passive life. At Peace.

Nihilate Industries. "I am the Void that Forges Creation. My Creations Reign Destruction."